I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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