last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
