That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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