dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
