You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
