Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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