I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
