You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your cock deserves a montage
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
