This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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