you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
