I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
