Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
