I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
