Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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