Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
