I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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