i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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