Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
