Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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