My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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