So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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