I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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