i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
