i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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