well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
