Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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