I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
