My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
