if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
