Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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