peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
