Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
