Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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