I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize