Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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