How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
