when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize