I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
