It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
