I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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