So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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