I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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