i jhust puked up my retainher.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
