1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Randomize
