she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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