you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Panties = found
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
