WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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