I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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