She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
