K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Randomize
