made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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