I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize