woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize