I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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