I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
