matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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