is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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