Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
