And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im six kinds of drunk right now
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
