Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
