You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
