if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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