Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
