good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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