I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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