the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
