oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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