Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
